Post by Amélie Grey on Jan 25, 2007 11:25:14 GMT -5
Amélie leant back against the shelves in the medical storeroom, choking on her sobs.
She’d killed a patient. She’d killed Mrs. Atkinson through neglect, something that she had evaded so far and had thought she wouldn’t do.
She should have answered that page… but she’d assumed that it was again one of her paranoid turns. But she’d been having a fit…
And yeah, Dr. Sharp told her to stay, but it wasn’t for Sharp to say. Amélie should have put her patient first, especially since Mr. Jameson was being attended to. It was only because Mrs. Atkinson had the ‘flu and Mr. Jameson was an emergency…
Now she’d killed a woman. A mother, a sister, and a grandmother. So many people who loved her and would miss her. And Amélie had killed her.
Dead meant dead. Always gone. They couldn’t come back for Christmases, birthdays, or anniversaries. Dead is dead. No exceptions.
And Mrs. Atkinson had a granddaughter, who was about to graduate from university. To be a doctor, no less. Her mother, Mrs. Atkinson’s daughter, was a doctor.
Lucas came into the dark room. “Amélie? Are you in here?”
“Y-yes,” she choked.
“Good,” he said, switching on the light. “Sharp’s looking for you, she needs you to prepare for surgery… what happened?” he asked, concerned, seeing her sitting on the ground, tears on her eyelashes and face. He sat down beside her. “Amy, what is it?”
“I-I-I,” she tried to say, her throat tightening up and constricting her breathing. She started choking on her breaths.
Symptom of a panic attack.
Immediately, Lucas had brought down and paper bag and was holding it to Amélie’s mouth, encouraging her to breathe into it.
Gradually her breathing returned to normal, and she lowered the bag and put her head on his shoulder.
He stroked her hair. “What’s wrong?”
“R- remember my patient Mrs. – Mrs. Atkinson?” she asked, using all her willpower not to cry again.
“Hypochondriac in Medical? Yes?”
“She died,” Amélie whispered.
Lucas sighed. “Oh Amy, it’s not your fault, she was eighty-five-”
“No,” she interrupted. “I… I got paged by her n-nurse and I ignored it because I thought that… that she was just having a paranoid turn. Then I – then I got a call saying she’d… died.”
“Oh Amy,” Lucas said softly, stroking her hair. “That’s not your fault.”
“It – it is – and now she’s got a family who are without her now, and her granddaughter is about to – to g-graduate and-”
“No, Amy, it’s not your fault.” Lucas said soflty. Listen, every doctor in this hospital knows about Mrs. Atkinson, and most of us have treated her. I treated her, when I was an intern. She really exasperated me, so much. I ignored pages from her, so did Maia, so has every doctor who’s had her as a patient.”
“Yes, but she didn’t die those times,” Amélie said, still fighting the urge to cry.
“Yes, but… did Maia tell you to ignore it?”
Maia. Lucas was the only person in the hospital who wasn’t scared of Sharp, and was the only doctor who called her by her first name.
Amélie swallowed. “She did, but-”
“Well then. She’s the best, and she made a mistake. Listen, Amy, every doctor in this damn place has had a patient who has died. Everyone has killed a patient. Fuck, I’ve killed someone and I’m a pathologist. You didn’t kill her. You didn’t respond to what has been a false alarm many times before so that you could save the life of someone who was in immediate danger. Any doctor would have done it. I would have done it, and Maia agreed, didn’t she? Maia is the best of the best, Amy; she wouldn’t have let you ignore it if she had thought there was any real chance of anything happening to her.”
“It doesn’t make a difference, she’s d-dead. And her family…”
Lucas grabbed Amélie’s shoulders and turned her to face him. “Listen, Amy, you did not kill your patient. And Mrs. Atkinson’s daughter is a doctor; she knows what it’s like. And she will tell you that it is not your fault. All of her scan results came back clear; there was nothing wrong with her except old age and influenza. I don’t know why she took a fit, but I will find out; I will personally perform the post-mortem. This is not your fault.”
“But-”
“No buts. Amy, once you start blaming yourself for a death you didn’t cause, that’s a downward slope that you are never going to come back from. You will just go further and further down, and right now, you are standing right on the edge of that slope, and this could push you over. I have seen too many good doctors ruined because of this, and I will not let it happen to you. You are the best intern in Maia's set right now, and that’s not just me saying that – Maia has said it too, and Maia does not give out praise readily.”
“M-Maia said that?”
“Yes Amy, she did, and you could become a great doctor, somewhere in the same class as her, possibly greater. You can save so many people’s lives. I will not let you be broken by this.”
Amélie was silent. What Lucas was saying was striking a chord somewhere in her. She could never ever be in the same class as Sharp, and she wasn’t a great doctor, but if Sharp had done the same as her, and Lucas, and other doctors… maybe she wasn’t so in the wrong. It didn’t change what had happened, but maybe this was a lesson. Maybe it was teaching her that she could use this as an example not to do the same thing again, and that she couldn’t let herself be ruined by a death.
Lucas’s cell phone started to ring. He answered it. “Hey Maia… yeah, she’s here… she’s okay, she’s just… yeah, I think so, hang on…” He put the mouthpiece against his shoulder. “She wants to know if you’re going to help perform the surgery.”
Amélie started to shake her head, and then Lucas said something to change her mind.
“Amy, you could save this guy’s life by helping with this operation. Are you going to listen to what I’ve just said, or are you going to break yourself?”
She bit her lip. “Okay.”
He smiled at her and put the phone to his ear. “Yeah, she’s coming. Okay, five minutes. Bye.” He hung up. “I’m so proud of you.”
She shook her head. “Why should you be?”
“Because you took it this badly and it shows that you aren’t turning into a career obsessed person like Rob,” he scowled. He hated Rob. Rob had contradicted him on the cause of a patient’s death, and had started an argument with him about it. Rob had gotten his ass kicked and was humiliated in front of the other interns, thus making him hate Lucas with a passion. The feeling was mutual, because Rob was extremely insensitive when it came to a death. “It shows that you care. And secondly, you’re listening to me and you’re going to save a guy’s life. A guy who has a pregnant wife waiting for him. Now get your ass down to the OR now.”
They both stood up.
“You can do this,” he said. “I know you can go and perform this.”
“Of course I’m going to perform it, this is neurosurgery. I’m not about to miss that!” she said, wiping her eyes and smiling wryly.
He laughed. “Well get down there!”
Amélie ran down the corridor to the OR.
It was only 9 hours later when she came out of the successful operation and was washing her hands that she’d realized what Lucas had just done for her. He had saved her from self-blame which could lead to depression, and worse… and he’d saved her medical career, and her confidence. He’d pulled her back from the edge – he’d fixed her.
If he hadn’t had done that, she reflected, she’d have probably signed off her shift and would be in the bar drinking heavily right now, which wasn’t something she was prone to doing.
She scrubbed at her hands.
Dr. Sharp came through the door. “Nice work you did in there Grey.”
Amélie smiled weakly. “Thanks.”
“And well done on being able to perform it and for not letting the Mrs. Atkinson thing ruin you,” she said, coming over and washing her hands. “Congratulations. That’s like your final initiation to becoming a doctor, and you made it.”
“You’ve got Lucas to thank for that,” she said, drying her hands and getting ready to leave.
“I will then,” Sharp smiled as Amélie left.
When Amélie walked out of the door of the OR, she saw Lucas waiting for her anxiously, waiting to see how the surgery had gone.
And right then, she realized exactly how she felt about him.
She’d fallen in love.
She’d killed a patient. She’d killed Mrs. Atkinson through neglect, something that she had evaded so far and had thought she wouldn’t do.
She should have answered that page… but she’d assumed that it was again one of her paranoid turns. But she’d been having a fit…
And yeah, Dr. Sharp told her to stay, but it wasn’t for Sharp to say. Amélie should have put her patient first, especially since Mr. Jameson was being attended to. It was only because Mrs. Atkinson had the ‘flu and Mr. Jameson was an emergency…
Now she’d killed a woman. A mother, a sister, and a grandmother. So many people who loved her and would miss her. And Amélie had killed her.
Dead meant dead. Always gone. They couldn’t come back for Christmases, birthdays, or anniversaries. Dead is dead. No exceptions.
And Mrs. Atkinson had a granddaughter, who was about to graduate from university. To be a doctor, no less. Her mother, Mrs. Atkinson’s daughter, was a doctor.
Lucas came into the dark room. “Amélie? Are you in here?”
“Y-yes,” she choked.
“Good,” he said, switching on the light. “Sharp’s looking for you, she needs you to prepare for surgery… what happened?” he asked, concerned, seeing her sitting on the ground, tears on her eyelashes and face. He sat down beside her. “Amy, what is it?”
“I-I-I,” she tried to say, her throat tightening up and constricting her breathing. She started choking on her breaths.
Symptom of a panic attack.
Immediately, Lucas had brought down and paper bag and was holding it to Amélie’s mouth, encouraging her to breathe into it.
Gradually her breathing returned to normal, and she lowered the bag and put her head on his shoulder.
He stroked her hair. “What’s wrong?”
“R- remember my patient Mrs. – Mrs. Atkinson?” she asked, using all her willpower not to cry again.
“Hypochondriac in Medical? Yes?”
“She died,” Amélie whispered.
Lucas sighed. “Oh Amy, it’s not your fault, she was eighty-five-”
“No,” she interrupted. “I… I got paged by her n-nurse and I ignored it because I thought that… that she was just having a paranoid turn. Then I – then I got a call saying she’d… died.”
“Oh Amy,” Lucas said softly, stroking her hair. “That’s not your fault.”
“It – it is – and now she’s got a family who are without her now, and her granddaughter is about to – to g-graduate and-”
“No, Amy, it’s not your fault.” Lucas said soflty. Listen, every doctor in this hospital knows about Mrs. Atkinson, and most of us have treated her. I treated her, when I was an intern. She really exasperated me, so much. I ignored pages from her, so did Maia, so has every doctor who’s had her as a patient.”
“Yes, but she didn’t die those times,” Amélie said, still fighting the urge to cry.
“Yes, but… did Maia tell you to ignore it?”
Maia. Lucas was the only person in the hospital who wasn’t scared of Sharp, and was the only doctor who called her by her first name.
Amélie swallowed. “She did, but-”
“Well then. She’s the best, and she made a mistake. Listen, Amy, every doctor in this damn place has had a patient who has died. Everyone has killed a patient. Fuck, I’ve killed someone and I’m a pathologist. You didn’t kill her. You didn’t respond to what has been a false alarm many times before so that you could save the life of someone who was in immediate danger. Any doctor would have done it. I would have done it, and Maia agreed, didn’t she? Maia is the best of the best, Amy; she wouldn’t have let you ignore it if she had thought there was any real chance of anything happening to her.”
“It doesn’t make a difference, she’s d-dead. And her family…”
Lucas grabbed Amélie’s shoulders and turned her to face him. “Listen, Amy, you did not kill your patient. And Mrs. Atkinson’s daughter is a doctor; she knows what it’s like. And she will tell you that it is not your fault. All of her scan results came back clear; there was nothing wrong with her except old age and influenza. I don’t know why she took a fit, but I will find out; I will personally perform the post-mortem. This is not your fault.”
“But-”
“No buts. Amy, once you start blaming yourself for a death you didn’t cause, that’s a downward slope that you are never going to come back from. You will just go further and further down, and right now, you are standing right on the edge of that slope, and this could push you over. I have seen too many good doctors ruined because of this, and I will not let it happen to you. You are the best intern in Maia's set right now, and that’s not just me saying that – Maia has said it too, and Maia does not give out praise readily.”
“M-Maia said that?”
“Yes Amy, she did, and you could become a great doctor, somewhere in the same class as her, possibly greater. You can save so many people’s lives. I will not let you be broken by this.”
Amélie was silent. What Lucas was saying was striking a chord somewhere in her. She could never ever be in the same class as Sharp, and she wasn’t a great doctor, but if Sharp had done the same as her, and Lucas, and other doctors… maybe she wasn’t so in the wrong. It didn’t change what had happened, but maybe this was a lesson. Maybe it was teaching her that she could use this as an example not to do the same thing again, and that she couldn’t let herself be ruined by a death.
Lucas’s cell phone started to ring. He answered it. “Hey Maia… yeah, she’s here… she’s okay, she’s just… yeah, I think so, hang on…” He put the mouthpiece against his shoulder. “She wants to know if you’re going to help perform the surgery.”
Amélie started to shake her head, and then Lucas said something to change her mind.
“Amy, you could save this guy’s life by helping with this operation. Are you going to listen to what I’ve just said, or are you going to break yourself?”
She bit her lip. “Okay.”
He smiled at her and put the phone to his ear. “Yeah, she’s coming. Okay, five minutes. Bye.” He hung up. “I’m so proud of you.”
She shook her head. “Why should you be?”
“Because you took it this badly and it shows that you aren’t turning into a career obsessed person like Rob,” he scowled. He hated Rob. Rob had contradicted him on the cause of a patient’s death, and had started an argument with him about it. Rob had gotten his ass kicked and was humiliated in front of the other interns, thus making him hate Lucas with a passion. The feeling was mutual, because Rob was extremely insensitive when it came to a death. “It shows that you care. And secondly, you’re listening to me and you’re going to save a guy’s life. A guy who has a pregnant wife waiting for him. Now get your ass down to the OR now.”
They both stood up.
“You can do this,” he said. “I know you can go and perform this.”
“Of course I’m going to perform it, this is neurosurgery. I’m not about to miss that!” she said, wiping her eyes and smiling wryly.
He laughed. “Well get down there!”
Amélie ran down the corridor to the OR.
It was only 9 hours later when she came out of the successful operation and was washing her hands that she’d realized what Lucas had just done for her. He had saved her from self-blame which could lead to depression, and worse… and he’d saved her medical career, and her confidence. He’d pulled her back from the edge – he’d fixed her.
If he hadn’t had done that, she reflected, she’d have probably signed off her shift and would be in the bar drinking heavily right now, which wasn’t something she was prone to doing.
She scrubbed at her hands.
Dr. Sharp came through the door. “Nice work you did in there Grey.”
Amélie smiled weakly. “Thanks.”
“And well done on being able to perform it and for not letting the Mrs. Atkinson thing ruin you,” she said, coming over and washing her hands. “Congratulations. That’s like your final initiation to becoming a doctor, and you made it.”
“You’ve got Lucas to thank for that,” she said, drying her hands and getting ready to leave.
“I will then,” Sharp smiled as Amélie left.
When Amélie walked out of the door of the OR, she saw Lucas waiting for her anxiously, waiting to see how the surgery had gone.
And right then, she realized exactly how she felt about him.
She’d fallen in love.