Post by Amélie Grey on Mar 18, 2007 8:09:21 GMT -5
Mother's Day.
As Amélie woke up from her nightmare, in Lucas' arms, she realised that that was what day it was.
She hated Mother's Day. Not because her own mother was so far away from her, though that would hurt if she thought about it. She had sent the present off weeks ago, and she knew she would spend a few hours talking to her mum today.
So no, it wasn't that.
She rolled over and faced the wall, resting her hand on her stomach. Seven years... God. That long?
Those months, when she was seventeen, had been by far the worst of her life. She'd almost had her life wrecked, and only by doing really drastic things, had she been able to end up here, where she was now, as a doctor. It was because she'd done terrible things that she was sucessful, lying here, in America, beside a man that she loved.
But in doing those things, she'd saved her life, but ended another.
As always on this day, she thought of Natalie. She'd be six now, had she lived. A little six year old girl, with her mother's wavy fair hair and clear blue eyes.
Of course, Amélie didn't technically know that the child was a girl. But she'd had this gut feeling, right from the start, that the baby was a little girl. And although the girl hadn't been born, Amélie had named her - Natalie Madeline Estrellita. Estrellita was Spanish for little star, and Amélie had given her that name to show that she loved her baby dearly, even though she couldn't have it. Her star shone far brighter than any othe star in the sky.
So, as Callie would be given a present by her baby, Lisa, Amélie would lie thinking about her baby Natalie in heaven. That was why Mother's Day was hard.
And, Andrew brought her up to the maternity ward when she was down, but most times it just made her more depressed, but she would never tell him that. Seeing those children there...
Amélie always had a vision in her head of what Natalie would look like. Roundabout when she should have been born, Amélie was haunted by a ghost child, and had been for the past six years. She could see Natalie's curly fair hair in her mind, and she knew that she would have the same clear blue eyes as her.
In her sleep, Amélie would dream of her daughter. These could be sweet dreams or nightmares, depending on how she was feeling. Then there were the dreams of Natalie's father, the nightmares she'd had.
She'd hated herself for aborting the baby since she'd done it. But, what else could she have done? She was 17, and she was doing her Baccalaureate, and she was hoping to go to medical school. There was no way she could have done that with a child.
And her mother... it would have killed Coralie. She was a devout Christian, and while she would have stuck by Amélie, she would be devastated, and she would blame herself for Amélie's pregnancy. And Amélie couldn't do that.
Then there was the shame of the thing. Yes, it was 2000, not the 1960s, but to be a teenage single mother... Amélie couldn't do it.
She also wouldn't be able to support Natalie - she was only seveteen, a black-clad A Level student - how could she support a child? She wouldn't be able to get a job.
There were so many other reasons, and in the end, she'd terminated the pregnancy. This was something that she'd told no one about, not even Madeline. The only people that knew were Amélie, her doctor and the Almighty himself. She hadn't even confessed to it in church. And no one else would ever know.
She remembered when she realised she was pregnant. After skipping a period and having weird cravings for peanut butter and uncooked lasange sheets (which are actually very nice), she'd taken a test. The feeling when she saw the blue line was something that she could never describe. The despair that wracked through her was the most intense thing she had ever felt...
But she'd been wracked with guilt after. She'd terminated the pregnancy at eight weeks, and had never forgiven herself properly for it. She knew it was the right thing to do, but the ghost of "what-if?" haunted her all of the time.
On the 31st of March every year, the anniversary of the abortion, she would go to church and light a candle for Natalie, saying a prayer for her, to her.
Those two days, March 31 and Mother's Day, those days were the days that she couldn't stop thinking about Natalie. Those were the days when she hurt.
Amélie stared at the wall, thinking of Natalie, and what she would be like now. She could imagine every detail of her, and she loved her, so much, even though Natalie hadn't been born, even though Amélie had aborted her.
She felt Lucas stir beside her. She wiped her eyes and rolled over to face him.
"Hey you," she murmured.
"You're awake already?" he asked, yawning. "What time is it?"
Amélie looked at the clock. "5.45."
"What time does your shift start?"
"8.30," she said, smiling briefly at the thought that this was the last day of Orthopedics.
"You don't have to be up yet then, you can sleep for another half hour," he said.
"I won't be able to get back to sleep," she said quietly. "I had a nightmare."
He gently brushed her hair back from her face. "What about?"
"Nothing important," she shrugged. My daughter, who wasn't actually born. "I was just being stupid."
"Are you okay?"
"I guess so." I just hate Mother's Day.
He kissed her forehead and moved her close to him. "It's just a nightmare Amy, it can't do anything to you if you don't let it."
Can't it?
As Amélie woke up from her nightmare, in Lucas' arms, she realised that that was what day it was.
She hated Mother's Day. Not because her own mother was so far away from her, though that would hurt if she thought about it. She had sent the present off weeks ago, and she knew she would spend a few hours talking to her mum today.
So no, it wasn't that.
She rolled over and faced the wall, resting her hand on her stomach. Seven years... God. That long?
Those months, when she was seventeen, had been by far the worst of her life. She'd almost had her life wrecked, and only by doing really drastic things, had she been able to end up here, where she was now, as a doctor. It was because she'd done terrible things that she was sucessful, lying here, in America, beside a man that she loved.
But in doing those things, she'd saved her life, but ended another.
As always on this day, she thought of Natalie. She'd be six now, had she lived. A little six year old girl, with her mother's wavy fair hair and clear blue eyes.
Of course, Amélie didn't technically know that the child was a girl. But she'd had this gut feeling, right from the start, that the baby was a little girl. And although the girl hadn't been born, Amélie had named her - Natalie Madeline Estrellita. Estrellita was Spanish for little star, and Amélie had given her that name to show that she loved her baby dearly, even though she couldn't have it. Her star shone far brighter than any othe star in the sky.
So, as Callie would be given a present by her baby, Lisa, Amélie would lie thinking about her baby Natalie in heaven. That was why Mother's Day was hard.
And, Andrew brought her up to the maternity ward when she was down, but most times it just made her more depressed, but she would never tell him that. Seeing those children there...
Amélie always had a vision in her head of what Natalie would look like. Roundabout when she should have been born, Amélie was haunted by a ghost child, and had been for the past six years. She could see Natalie's curly fair hair in her mind, and she knew that she would have the same clear blue eyes as her.
In her sleep, Amélie would dream of her daughter. These could be sweet dreams or nightmares, depending on how she was feeling. Then there were the dreams of Natalie's father, the nightmares she'd had.
She'd hated herself for aborting the baby since she'd done it. But, what else could she have done? She was 17, and she was doing her Baccalaureate, and she was hoping to go to medical school. There was no way she could have done that with a child.
And her mother... it would have killed Coralie. She was a devout Christian, and while she would have stuck by Amélie, she would be devastated, and she would blame herself for Amélie's pregnancy. And Amélie couldn't do that.
Then there was the shame of the thing. Yes, it was 2000, not the 1960s, but to be a teenage single mother... Amélie couldn't do it.
She also wouldn't be able to support Natalie - she was only seveteen, a black-clad A Level student - how could she support a child? She wouldn't be able to get a job.
There were so many other reasons, and in the end, she'd terminated the pregnancy. This was something that she'd told no one about, not even Madeline. The only people that knew were Amélie, her doctor and the Almighty himself. She hadn't even confessed to it in church. And no one else would ever know.
She remembered when she realised she was pregnant. After skipping a period and having weird cravings for peanut butter and uncooked lasange sheets (which are actually very nice), she'd taken a test. The feeling when she saw the blue line was something that she could never describe. The despair that wracked through her was the most intense thing she had ever felt...
But she'd been wracked with guilt after. She'd terminated the pregnancy at eight weeks, and had never forgiven herself properly for it. She knew it was the right thing to do, but the ghost of "what-if?" haunted her all of the time.
On the 31st of March every year, the anniversary of the abortion, she would go to church and light a candle for Natalie, saying a prayer for her, to her.
Those two days, March 31 and Mother's Day, those days were the days that she couldn't stop thinking about Natalie. Those were the days when she hurt.
Amélie stared at the wall, thinking of Natalie, and what she would be like now. She could imagine every detail of her, and she loved her, so much, even though Natalie hadn't been born, even though Amélie had aborted her.
She felt Lucas stir beside her. She wiped her eyes and rolled over to face him.
"Hey you," she murmured.
"You're awake already?" he asked, yawning. "What time is it?"
Amélie looked at the clock. "5.45."
"What time does your shift start?"
"8.30," she said, smiling briefly at the thought that this was the last day of Orthopedics.
"You don't have to be up yet then, you can sleep for another half hour," he said.
"I won't be able to get back to sleep," she said quietly. "I had a nightmare."
He gently brushed her hair back from her face. "What about?"
"Nothing important," she shrugged. My daughter, who wasn't actually born. "I was just being stupid."
"Are you okay?"
"I guess so." I just hate Mother's Day.
He kissed her forehead and moved her close to him. "It's just a nightmare Amy, it can't do anything to you if you don't let it."
Can't it?
